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I feel sorry for people who don’t drink; when they get up in the morning, that's the best they’ll feel all day.

I’ve got a drinking problem. I got two hands and only one mouth.

I’m on a whiskey diet. Last week, I lost 4 days.

I only drink to steady my nerves. Last night, I was so steady I couldn’t move.

How do you make four old ladies say, "Fu#k"? Get a fifth one to yell "Bingo!"

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. The difference is you don’t have to go to meetings.

I don’t drink that much. I spill most of it.

I drink to forget. Just what it was, I forgot.

I’m really pissed off at the airlines charging five bucks a drink. That’s $75 from here to Chicago.

Did you hear about the blind skunk? He tried to rape a fart.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

What is the main cause for bestiality? Sexy animals.

What did one Dead Head say to the other when they ran out of dope? This music sucks.

Andy Kaufman talks about Tony Clifton with Merv Griffin

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