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I feel sorry for people who don’t drink; when they get up in the morning, that's the best they’ll feel all day.
I’ve got a drinking problem. I got two hands and only one mouth.
I’m on a whiskey diet. Last week, I lost 4 days.
I only drink to steady my nerves. Last night, I was so steady I couldn’t move.
How do you make four old ladies say, "Fu#k"? Get a fifth one to yell "Bingo!"
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. The difference is you don’t have to go to meetings.
I don’t drink that much. I spill most of it.
I drink to forget. Just what it was, I forgot.
I’m really pissed off at the airlines charging five bucks a drink. That’s $75 from here to Chicago.
Did you hear about the blind skunk? He tried to rape a fart.
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
What is the main cause for bestiality? Sexy animals.
What did one Dead Head say to the other when they ran out of dope? This music sucks.